Tuesday, December 2, 2008

My Christmas Mind Has Been Blown Back to Easter

FACT1: I love me some Christmas.
FACT2: I love me some jams.

Therefore, the Transitive Property clearly states that I would love Christmas jams.
This is very true . . .with one very foul exception.

This is going to make me sound like a madman...but since I was a little kid, "Wonderful Christmas Time" has creeped me right the fuck out. In my mind, this is the song that John Wayne Gacy played when he killed kids during the holidays. I can picture him skipping away from the scene of the crime, cleaning his knife, singing "siiiiimply haaaaaving . . .a wonderful Christmas tiiiime!" GRAAAGHAGHAAAHH!!!!!

I don't know why. Something about the synth chords and the excitement in the vocals make it sound like some bug-eyed maniac is banging away on an old Casio in the darkest corner of his basement. Probably shunned by his family after some terrible "accident" with the turkey carver one Christmas when he was a child.

"Siiiiiiimply haaaaaaaving . . .a WONDERFUL Christmas tiiiiiime!"

Making it worse was the fact that I NEVER knew who sang the song. It just thought it was some unknown lunatic, high on spoiled egg nog and jenkem.
Then it all changed. How I long for the sweet bliss of ignorance!

Last night, I'm out drinking, and wouldn't you know it . . .the song comes on. As per usual, I flip my shit and go into the annual rant about how this is the single most terrifying song ever composed. As if I didn't struggle enough with it, my friend tells me that this abomination is sung by . . .Paul fuckin' McCartney!!! What?!

Mind blown.
Soul on fire.
Universe in shambles.

My skull has been rocked by alot or random bits of information before...but nothing has hit me this hard since I was told that Snuffleupagus could only seen by Big Bird until 1985. Learning that Paul McCartney, legendary ex-Beatle, was responsible for writing and singing Satan's favorite carol was . . .intense. I was stunned silent for a few minutes. I gathered myself, chugged a beer and repressed it all.

Then...I saw...the video. Holy shit...I was right. This whole thing is insane. Giant star creatures invading homes, a drunk McCartney crashing parties, alien choirs, day-glo ponies, exploding presents, and what I swear was one of the Ramones tagging somebody's house.


And if that wasn't fucked up enough . . .LOOK!!!

::runs naked onto Rt.1 traffic on fire::

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