Friday, March 26, 2010
Week 1 Predictions!
Hello, friends. It's new blog feature time.
Week 1 of the MLS season is finally upon us. And it is time to prove to you, the reader, that when it comes to Major League Soccer...I am all knowing.
I am Negrodamus.
Challenge me if you will, but rest assured that you will be crushed and left in a whimpering pile of internet shame once all of my scores are proven correct.
At this time, I suggest you contact your local bookie, and wager vast sums of money, doing exactly as I tell you. Let's begin, shall we:
(Away v. Home)
Colorado 1-2 Chivas USA: Connor Casey scores early to give the the Rapids the lead, but he will be arrested by federal authorities at half time and charged with domestic terrorism stemming from an incident in which he threatened to "cram" his John Deere riding mower inside his town's mayor, for not allowing him to build a combination outhouse/smokehouse in his back yard. Playing with only 10 men, Colorado will easily surrender 2 second half goals.
Houston 2-0 Dallas: As a side wager, I suggest gambling on the over/under of each 1 goal vs. each 1000 fans in attendance. Go with the goals.
Toronto v. Columbus will be postponed when the gods of irony strike down on Toronto and a train full of toxic chemicals wrecks upon TFC's arrival in the city, and the game must be halted due to safety concerns
Chicago 0-3 New York: Chicago's rookie keeper, Somethingorother Whatshisface, will literally piss himself when faced with making his first start in a sold-out Red Bull Arena. He will slip in the puddle, resulting in a hip injury. Left with no GK alternatives, Chicago is thrashed by the charging Bulls.
DC United vs Kansas City will also be stricken by the irony gods. In this case, it is an actual dumpster fire in the stadium that keeps the game from being played.
Real Salt Lake 0-0 San Jose: I will take a nap.
New England 1-3 Los Angeles: New England will be forced to play with mostly reserve players after the majority of the starting line-up refuse to exit the team plane once they realize that they are, in fact, back in Los Angeles again.