MLS: Week 3 Predictions For That Ass

Somehow I failed my massive, adoring public and forgot to make my predictions for last Saturday's game.  Rest assured that they all would have been perfect anyway.

Let's begin, shall we...
(Away v. Home)

New York 1-0 Chivas USA:  A Haiku
The Goat leaves hungry.
Kljestan: All name. No glory.
The Bull feasts. Scores one.

DC United 0-0 Philadelphia:  The game will never get a chance to kick off.  The stadium will be shut down in a joint effort by the Environmental Protection Agency and the Center for Disease Control due to unprecedented levels of scum detected both in the stands and on the field.

OR

At the start of the second half, Donovan McNabb runs onto the field in a DC United shirt to the sound of Stone Cold Steve Austin's theme music and gives a Stunner to Jack McInerny.  He is arrested for child abuse.  A riot ensues.

Toronto 1-3 New England:  Toronto does its best to stay in the lead for the Third Circle of Hell Cup (the unofficial trophy competition between TFC, DCU and PU)

Colorado 2-3 Kansas City:  Yeah.

Los Angeles 2-1 Houston:  At the games conclusion, Arena and Kinnear will meet at midfield and exchange handshakes and deliver Brando's "I coulda been a contender" monologue.

Columbus 3-0 Dallas:  A late field goal by GBS to cover the spread.

San Jose 0-2 Chicago:  Because San Jose isn't good.  I don't have a joke for this.  It's a very sad thing.

Seattle 2-2 Salt Lake:  It is revealed that Nate Jaqua's injury is actually a fake, and just a sorry excuse to go on his previously scheduled pub crawl with Ben Roethlisberger...while Freddy Montero watches the action from the bushes outside.