MLS ExtraTime Radio: NY vs. Philly

 

In case you missed the monumental heavyweight bout...Check out the latest episode of MLS ExtraTime Radio where me and the leader of Philly's Sons of Ben went head-to-head...it was ugly. As ugly as the women in Philly. (Apr 7 show. segment starts at 14:30 mark). 

MASSIVE thanks to the one and only MLS Insider for getting me on the show, Nick Firchau, Greg Lalas, and Jason Saghini for letting us loose on your earholes.  Easily one of the most fun things I've ever done.

MLS Extra Time Radio!!!

YO!!!  My people!  Attention, attention.
I don't want to spoil too much...but someone you know and love has gotten one step closer in his plans for global domination and will be making a quick appearance on the next episode of Extra Time Radio that should be available later today.

Why?  Hell if I know...but it's gonna be an absolute SHIT SHOW!
WHOOO!  Do.  Not.  Miss.  This.

I Hate April Fool's Day...

Pretty sure I'm going to die of some cardiac issue today.

This shit is for the birds.  But on the bright side, I could be a fan of some broke Podunk, San Jose, Kansas City, Columbus type team that couldn't snag a star or generate a media frenzy if they paid journalist one-by-one to report some shit . . .so there's that.

Join in the fun and watch me curl into a ball and die on Twitter.

The season is here, y'all.!
I feel like talking shit.  Hit me on Twitter. 
Things get alot more soccerish over there.

DJ (Jan Gunnar) Solli - March Promo Mix

   March Promo Mix By DJ SOLLI by Jan Gunnar Solli

Fresh mixery for your MLS First Kick drunkenings.
Solli housin' it out on this one.

FAUXSTRADAMUS' 2011 MLS Prediction Bonanza!!! (Part 1)

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, the MLS season is about to begin*, so it is once again time to bless the masses with a fool-proof, 100% lock, never-failing season prediction.


You excited?
Damn right you're excited.

Let me make something ultra clear: My predictions WILL be correct.  Really, calling them "predictions" is almost unfair considering I have absolute truth, unquestionable logic and wisdom beyond my years to call upon.


EASTERN CONFERENCE:

1.  Red Bull New York - Rampant Frenchism.  Felonious English thuggery.  Norwegian Discofication.  Ancient Jamaican fornication secrets.  The pending "Odd Couple" spin off on the back line. The sheer will power of unwavering Estonian fan support.  An even less comprehensible Rooney brother.  The true mark of a brilliant team isn't actual talent, it's how many ridiculous story lines they can cook up for me to talk about during the season.  The fact that a Best XI from the rest of the East couldn't beat a 10-corpse team of extras from the "Thriller" video is an added bonus.  MVP: Geography

2.  Sporting Kansas City - The surprise team in the standings for 2011.  The bigger surprise will come in June when SKC change their name again, this time to Sporking Kansas City, to better reflect the community and rich maple history of Kansas City BBQ joint baked beans.  When asked for comment on why the change took place, new VP of Marketing, Sweetwater Jones will reply "Them shits is delicious".  MVP: Sweet Baby Ray

3.  Houston Dynamo - Wait...what?!
::10min of research::
Apparently, Houston is in the East now.  Really?  Regardless of their record or conference affiliation, the major story in Houston will be the advent of a plumbing system for the new stadium which uses Brian Ching's tears as its exclusive water supply.  Known to weep profusely when mocked by opposing fans, Brian's "ChingWater" will prove a bountiful reservoir.  Negotiations will begin to bring ChingWater to Qatar to solve the nation's hydration shortages ahead of the 2022 World Cup.  MVP: Male sensitivity

4.  DC United - The Charlie Davies...Davis?...Davids?...whatever...loan fails to bear much fruit as rust-bucket RFK Stadium collapses under the extra weight of the people who have either launched themselves up CD9's ass or built small vacation homes on his nuts in the last 2 years.  MVP: Tetanus vaccinations


5. Philadelphia Union  -The 2011 season will prove heartbreaking for the Philadelphia Union.  The campaign will derail for Phillthy just 5pts away from a playoff spot with 2 games remaining.  Unfortunate circumstance leads to the scheduling of a massive Star Wars convention in downtown Philly during the crucial final weekends of the season.  With PPL Park's River End attendance down 96%, the Union will find themselves unable to muster the strength needed to triumph.  MVP: Mom's minivan

6. Columbus Crew - After losing an astounding majority of their top talent in the offseason, most fans begin to refer to the once-proud franchise as "The Who?".  The talent purge will lead most teams to believe that the Columbus franchise was folding, and they will neglect to make travel arrangements for scheduled matches at Crew Stadium.  This will result in a record number of forfeits and the Crew vaulting up the standings despite fielding mostly local high school talent.  MVP: The element of surprise

7. Chicago Fire - Unimpressive season for the Fire.  In their never-ending quest to land a Mexican superstar, the Fire will sign Alejandro Bedoya and Jose Torres to long-term DP contracts.  When team official realize that the pair are American, they immediately terminate the deals, leaving Chicago with a depleted roster and outside of the playoffs.


8. New England Revolution - The Revs' hopes for a return to the playoffs are killed quickly, when Shalrie Joseph is tapped to replace Charlie Sheen on "Two and a Half Men".  Show producers note that other than Sheen himself, no one has thrown more reckless parties or appeared on more police reports in the last 3 months than Shalrie Joseph.

9.  Toronto FC - For 2011, TFC = Train Fuckin' Crash.  Not only does 'Ronto miss the playoffs again, but this is also the year that the free ride to Champions League ends.  Dewayne DeRosario will renounce his Canadian citizenship until his salary demands are met.  In response, the barbarian ogres that occupy BMO Field will eat one player alive per day until his return.

Stay tuned for Part 2: Western Conference whenever the hell I get around to it (if ever).





*It began last night.  I know this.  I do things on my own time, dammit.  Don't rush me.

DJ (Jan Gunnar) Solli 3-for-1 Sale

I am declaring myself the unofficial American headquarters for DJ Solli jams.
Is that a real thing?  Nope.
Did anyone ask me to be?  Of course not.
It's just a perfect (imaginary) partnership, and I'm rollin' with it.

Awww, shit!  Solli got up on some Kanye!
   Lovebeat vs Kanye West - Happy Dark Fantasy (Dj Solli Bootleg) by Jan Gunnar Solli

 Does "World Hold On" hold some sort of record for most strobe-lit song in history?  Can we confirm it?  Anyone from Guinness on this?  No?  Damn.
   White Label - World Hold On 2011 (Dj Solli Mash) by Jan Gunnar Solli

Some OutKast for ya mowf:
   White Label - Ms Jackson 2011 (Dj Solli Mash) by Jan Gunnar Solli

UPDATE:  Wait...I missed one.
   Basto - Gregory Living On My Own (Dj Solli Bootleg) by Jan Gunnar Solli

DJ (Jan Gunnar) Solli - It's Pretty Commercial, Vol. 1

   It`s Pretty Commercial Vol 1 By Dj Solli by Jan Gunnar Solli
As always...my midfield spins better than yours.
This time, Solli goes in on some Top 40 jams.  There's some Bruno Mars in there, some Drake, Katy Perry, that sort of thing, plus a few good surprises...all remixerated.
But props to Solli for the Ducksauce drop.
I'm officially declaring Jan Gunnar Solli a member of my Imaginary Friends Team*.

David Beckham don't jam like this!

* The list of people I've never actually met, but I choose to pretend that we're cool.

D.C. United Went to the Unemployment Office to See the Pope...

OH, how the mighty have fallen!
This is gonna be my new default picture on The Face Books.

I'd say that I want to buy the man who made this a beer...but it was actually done by the friggin' Post!  Seriously!  From within the foul walls of that piss-soaked, rat infested shitbox of RFK, [what's left of] the once proud DC United fan base is creating top-notch self-loathing comedy for the rest of us, and I love it.

DC United...the new MetroStars!  Have fun at the bottom, boys.

THIS SUNDAY: Soccer Stop South Ward Challenge

Very nice write-up in the Daily Harrison:

The First Soccer Stop Ward Challenge, a charitable event organized by New York Red Bulls supporters to the benefit of youth soccer in Harrison, will be held this upcoming weekend at "The Courts".The New York Red Bulls supporter's clubs: Empire Supporter's, Garden State Supporters and Viking Army as well as the Red Bulls front office team "with a few superstar players" will face each other in a 7 vs 7 soccer tournament to dispute the Spanish Pavillion Supporters Cup.

 For more info, check out the Facebook event page.

There is one monumentally impotant piece of information that the Daily Harrison neglected to mention:  Not only will the winning team be up for the beautiful Spanish Pavillion Cup, but the tournament's most outstanding player will have the immense honor of having ME present to them The 2011 Kevin Brown Trophy for Most Valuable Player!!!  That's right...I bought the naming rights.

Check out the the trophy and read my press release after the jump...

February Promo Mix from DJ Solli

    February Promo By Dj Solli & The Red Bull Flipper by Jan Gunnar Solli

Latest mix from Jan Gunnar Solli, a.k.a. DJ Solli, a.k.a. Red Bull New York's new midfielder, a.k.a. the nameplate for my 2011 jersey purchase...done while the team gets its pre-season on in Mexico.

I don't even care if the songs are good.  The odd brilliance of having a full-fledged DJ on the roster is more than enough for me.

Mike Petke Has Transitional Issues.

Our legend is greater than your legend.
FUN FACT: Mike Petke once beat Ben Olsen in Scrabble by using only F's

MLS All-Star Game 2011: Newark/Harrison

 

NYC, my ass, baby!  The All-Stars are coming to Brick City! HA!

I just heard about this less than 3min ago, so I'm off-the-wall excited.

So many things to plan.  Such a long list of players to drunkenly confront at parties.

BECKERMAN!!!  I'm coming for you, chump!  I'm gonna snatch you out of the club, drag you to Flatbush and have you explain to them just how authentic those blonde dreads are.  Fucker.

Oh man.  Can't wait.

I am gonna act a proper fuckin' FOOL!

UPDATE:  And the Saturday after the game is my birthday.  Oh yes.  I'mma get ig'nant.

Cosmos...A Word, If You Please

You already know that your "existence" aggravates me extnsively, but let's rap for a minute, shall we?

LEGIT QUESTION:  At the risk of starting a (highly amusing) shouting match...What are you day-dreaming, ghost-humping Cosmos "supporters" gonna do if this whole thing ends with them calling the Meadowlands home in 2013?

For real.  I honestly want to know.  And don't tell me it's not probable possible.  I'm genuinely curious as to what happens when if the "Cosmos" "return" an never play a game in the 5 Boroughs*.

* As if the REAL Cosmos glory days happened in NYC anyway.

Katy Perry ft. DC United - Fireworks (No Dignity Remix)

As I understand it, this took place after DC United went to Rome to see the Pope.
I cannot confirm.

Looks like Baltimore is already bringing out the worst in them.

Juan Pablo Angel, a.k.a. H.R. Paper Stacks

 

You already know what I felt about the Winged One leaving New York.

No change of heart there.  If anything, I feel even better about it today than I did 3 months ago.

BUT...because I will always have love for JPA, I wanna take a minute to 1) say "it's been real", and (more importantly)  2) applaud that man for knowing he had the LA Galaxy front office by the Herba-nuts and shaking them fools down for DP money.

Well done.

RBNY: Casting For a Great Sitcom

I just wanna take a second to say that my "Holy shit, I can't wait for the 2011 season" meter has exploded.  I'm all set.  Today's Draft was the clincher.  New York was already (on paper) the overwhelming favorite for the East this year, and didn't really need to make any huge changes from the 2010 squad, just just look at the cast of characters joining the family this season:

 - A Englishman with a flair for face-punching who could easily be Jason Statham's stunt double.
 - A Norwegian mid with a world-class crazy face who jams out as a club DJ on the side.
 - The homegrown striker that Philly was desperate to sign.
 - Wayne Rooney's little brother.

C'mon!!  That's almost too much potential entertainment for one team.
I am going to love 2011.

New Jersey: Home of (Future) Legends

 

"When you're playing with a New Jersey team and you play all across the country, I felt that New Jersey had much more developed teams than anyone,'' Mr. Agudelo said. "Maybe California is similar, but New Jersey really is the capital of United States soccer." - WSJ

YYYYYYYYYYYYYEEEAH, SON!!!!!!
And what?!

Necessary Flashback: Redman - Jersey YO!

I AM NEGRODAMUS!!!

Self-quoting, the breakfast of Champions:

Next January, we'll be reading the Ives headline "Juan Agudelo to Atletico Madrid" or some shit.  We'll wonder why he isn't getting minutes,  we'll wonder why he isn't scoring for the US anymore.  All because his most important developmental years will be spent on a bench. - FF& SS (Nov.18, 2010)

I have foreseen this travesty!

Join my cult.  Subscribe to the newsletter.  Enjoy the free Kool-Aid.

Of course, right now, the Red Bulls are telling everyone to kindly go fuck themselves (sideways!), but eventually money talks.  I'll be the first to admit that I'm paranoid, but how much time can we really expect to keep Agudelo?

Whack Ass Comos Eat Stale Leftovers

Rumor has it the Cosmos will be playing against Santos @ the Meadowlands in June.
Yes.  The "new" team in the Big Apple is coming to Jersey...to play in someone else's building...on the Metros/RedBulls old stomping ground...to play the same team that was already here to celebrate the opening of Red Bull Arena.

Are you for real with this shit?
New York Cosmos, a.k.a. Sloppy Seconds FC.
Congrats.
 
Word on the street is that those unappreciative whiners from Brooklyn and gonna run buses from Manhattan to the game.  Forgive my memory, buuuut I'm pretty sure that there are only a dozen of you fools.  I think a cab would do it.  And I could have SWORN your whole beef was about "NY" teams playing in Jersey...yet this game at the Meadowlands is going to be your "supporters" coming out party?  Wow.  And didn't you ladies already pledge your allegiances to FC New York?!

So here's the Borough Boys timeline as best I can recall:
  - Denounce Red Bulls because they're just a marketing exercise and play in Jersey
 - Claim to be supporters of NYC soccer, and pledge to FCNY, but once that dumpster fire gets lit, you hop off because it's clear they'll never be 1st division...and it turns out there's nowhere for them to play in NYC proper (who knew?!?)
 - Jump on the Cosmo's nuts (Cosmonuts?) even though anyone with any common sense can see that this is just a mechanism for Umbro to move merch to the huuuuuuuge NYC elitist asshole / soccer hipster* market.  So in effect, you've decided to hitch your small, sad, shaky wagon to soccer's Harlem Globetrotter circus act and actually claim to SUPPORT them...rather than hop on a fucking train and walk 3 blocks to Red Bull Arena.  Aaaaaaaamazin'.

*  "Soccer hipsters" [(c) - FF&SS, Inc] is the new "Euro snob".