FAUXSTRADAMUS' 2011 MLS Prediction Bonanza!!! (Part 1)

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, the MLS season is about to begin*, so it is once again time to bless the masses with a fool-proof, 100% lock, never-failing season prediction.


You excited?
Damn right you're excited.

Let me make something ultra clear: My predictions WILL be correct.  Really, calling them "predictions" is almost unfair considering I have absolute truth, unquestionable logic and wisdom beyond my years to call upon.


EASTERN CONFERENCE:

1.  Red Bull New York - Rampant Frenchism.  Felonious English thuggery.  Norwegian Discofication.  Ancient Jamaican fornication secrets.  The pending "Odd Couple" spin off on the back line. The sheer will power of unwavering Estonian fan support.  An even less comprehensible Rooney brother.  The true mark of a brilliant team isn't actual talent, it's how many ridiculous story lines they can cook up for me to talk about during the season.  The fact that a Best XI from the rest of the East couldn't beat a 10-corpse team of extras from the "Thriller" video is an added bonus.  MVP: Geography

2.  Sporting Kansas City - The surprise team in the standings for 2011.  The bigger surprise will come in June when SKC change their name again, this time to Sporking Kansas City, to better reflect the community and rich maple history of Kansas City BBQ joint baked beans.  When asked for comment on why the change took place, new VP of Marketing, Sweetwater Jones will reply "Them shits is delicious".  MVP: Sweet Baby Ray

3.  Houston Dynamo - Wait...what?!
::10min of research::
Apparently, Houston is in the East now.  Really?  Regardless of their record or conference affiliation, the major story in Houston will be the advent of a plumbing system for the new stadium which uses Brian Ching's tears as its exclusive water supply.  Known to weep profusely when mocked by opposing fans, Brian's "ChingWater" will prove a bountiful reservoir.  Negotiations will begin to bring ChingWater to Qatar to solve the nation's hydration shortages ahead of the 2022 World Cup.  MVP: Male sensitivity

4.  DC United - The Charlie Davies...Davis?...Davids?...whatever...loan fails to bear much fruit as rust-bucket RFK Stadium collapses under the extra weight of the people who have either launched themselves up CD9's ass or built small vacation homes on his nuts in the last 2 years.  MVP: Tetanus vaccinations


5. Philadelphia Union  -The 2011 season will prove heartbreaking for the Philadelphia Union.  The campaign will derail for Phillthy just 5pts away from a playoff spot with 2 games remaining.  Unfortunate circumstance leads to the scheduling of a massive Star Wars convention in downtown Philly during the crucial final weekends of the season.  With PPL Park's River End attendance down 96%, the Union will find themselves unable to muster the strength needed to triumph.  MVP: Mom's minivan

6. Columbus Crew - After losing an astounding majority of their top talent in the offseason, most fans begin to refer to the once-proud franchise as "The Who?".  The talent purge will lead most teams to believe that the Columbus franchise was folding, and they will neglect to make travel arrangements for scheduled matches at Crew Stadium.  This will result in a record number of forfeits and the Crew vaulting up the standings despite fielding mostly local high school talent.  MVP: The element of surprise

7. Chicago Fire - Unimpressive season for the Fire.  In their never-ending quest to land a Mexican superstar, the Fire will sign Alejandro Bedoya and Jose Torres to long-term DP contracts.  When team official realize that the pair are American, they immediately terminate the deals, leaving Chicago with a depleted roster and outside of the playoffs.


8. New England Revolution - The Revs' hopes for a return to the playoffs are killed quickly, when Shalrie Joseph is tapped to replace Charlie Sheen on "Two and a Half Men".  Show producers note that other than Sheen himself, no one has thrown more reckless parties or appeared on more police reports in the last 3 months than Shalrie Joseph.

9.  Toronto FC - For 2011, TFC = Train Fuckin' Crash.  Not only does 'Ronto miss the playoffs again, but this is also the year that the free ride to Champions League ends.  Dewayne DeRosario will renounce his Canadian citizenship until his salary demands are met.  In response, the barbarian ogres that occupy BMO Field will eat one player alive per day until his return.

Stay tuned for Part 2: Western Conference whenever the hell I get around to it (if ever).





*It began last night.  I know this.  I do things on my own time, dammit.  Don't rush me.